wow

its gonna be Christmas, big whoop. i mean, im looking forward to the gifts and all that, but its something about the holidays that makes me upset. ill elaborate more on that later though.

and so it was said.

Well first of all for the record:

ive been doinq good formyself.
and everyone else.
im in the process of getting over someone.
but
he is a big flirt with me,
he leads me on,
but with the help of ANNYS ive been getting through it.
i want to cry sometimes,
but love is for suckers.
hate is forlosers.
so i just want to be friends,
and go back to the way it used to be.
when we would laugh just to hear eachothers voice,
where we would tell eachother our secrets,
where we would do sneaky things,
just to get away from everyone else.
when i cry,
i feel apart of me being torn away,
day by day,
when i see you,
and sometimes i wonder,
what we could have been.
i miss you .
AND SO IT WAS SAID..
Alexis Santiago, is a sad case:(

i think.

that im personally getting better at rcognizing who i am. im starting to push people away for realizing who they really are and that they are not my real friends. ive been thinking that i want to go back to va because thats where my true happiness is. so when i get to that point i will let you know. on a nother note, sorry i havent been blogging, i will get some new stuff up here soon. oh yeah have yall been realizing that since your getting older, people think you get dumber, haha. maybe its just me. whadafck? since when i alexis santiago dumb. anyway i just wanted to say dt. and if anyone felt like that applied to them, it probably did so leave. other than that, im done for today, bye everyone.

and.

Im Laughing At The Fact That You Want Me To Keep In Touch With You.

So..My Summer Has Been Absolutely Awesome. I Just Wanted To Let Yall Know That. And, Im Ready For The Summer To End Honestly. So I Can Focus On More Important Things I Need In Life, And Not You. =) Im Happy Now. And Now I Want Some Dairy Queen.


Goodbye Loves.

im.DONE

" THIS IS GONNA BE A SHOCKER."

But, im over you, and all the stressing over you. haha i feel good. IM MOVING ON. Maybe in the future you will realize that i didnt mean to hurt you, but i cant keep waiting on your call. I have lots to experience and, you, my dear, are not making it easy. So simply put, since you wont walk out of my life, im walking out of yours. We can still be best friends, nothing more, nothing less. bye.

NOW THAT TOOK ALOT OF COURAGE AND TIME, BUT IM READY FOR THIS CHANGE.

Now Alexis Santiago still loves you, but is no longer in love with you. No more. And Im happy to say that now.

• Time to get someone who truly cares for me.
• Time to get someone who listens.
• Time to have fun.
• Get drunk (joking)
• And have a nice life.

p.s. Imma strong Puppie :)

The Thought Of Living...

WITHOUT YOU??????!!!???

well that just cant be true. i thought you said we would be together forever..what happened to that? theres not A SINGLE DAY that passes and your not on my mind. it seems that you lead me on, and i fall for it, knowing that it would be IMPOSSIBLE for us to be back together. i love you more than i love myself sometimes and its stupid of me to say but yeah its true. i would do anything for you, and the hardest part of this "thing" is letting you go. im trying, but everytime i do, you keep coming back into my life. i try to push you away, but its too hard. Sometimes i wonder why things happened the way they did, and why did i fall for you so hard. i guess those will never be answered. no matter what, even if i let you go, i will continue to love you dearly.

ThisIsFromDEEP. ThisIsWhatsSeen. 2

THIS IS FROM DEEP.

This is from deep. The way i actually feel is as if i am UNWANTED. I feel like sometimes you say certain things to make me happy and in the end, its just ONE.BIG.LETDOWN...Why do you tell me things you dont mean, be honest,i promise i wont shed a tear (infront) of you. I feel like sometimes, you make me feel like the world, and then when everything goes good, it messes up. I feel like when im around you, you push me away..CONSTANTLY..and honestly im getting fed up with the bull. I dont need to be constantly hurt by someone like you, the someone who was the closest to me. You are making me sick, slowly but surely.

THIS IS WHATS SEEN.

This is whats seen. To everyone else, i seem like a hastle, a problem. my "attitude" is bad. and no one wants me around. To everyone else it seems like we have this perfect relationship, and honestly im getting fed up with walking through the streets telling everyone how "happy" we are. Gosh, everyone else thinks that im the bad child or person..haha...im not. LOOK CLOSER. things are not always what they seem. If thats how people want to see it, so be it.

ThisIsFromDEEP. ThisIsWhatsSeen. 1

THIS IS FROM DEEP.

The way i feel, is that i feel like i need you here to COMPLETE me. i need you in my life. i dont know what went wrong (LIES) i know exactly what happened. Every movie, song, show, picture, place reminds me of you. It reminds me of how good i had it but didnt realize it at the time. You were the best thing that [ did ] happen to me. I was the fool and i let go of you. Now that we've became closer again. Im saddened because now i know [ even if we did ] get back together. THINGS WOULDNT BE THE SAME. but i would make me very happy.

THIS IS WHATS SEEN.

The way things are seen is, that im chasing something COMPLETELY not worth it. The way things are seen is that i gave up on you a long time ago..and i should not try anymore. They way its seen is that I broke your heart and you should never forget me. The way it seen is that you deserve way better than me. And I should not try to go for something that i couldve had a long time ago. TIME TO SPEAK UP!

Been Thinking Lately.

First and Formost!

• Ive been thinking lately, and im soo happy to back down in Virginia.

1. I missed myfriends soo much, who are: Jada, Shamia, Torrie, Jessie, Sharronda,Talyah. just some people who i really love and adore.
2. I missed the atmosphere, A breath of fresh air.
3. NO MORE DRAMA, and its a shame, because people still call me from ny with the drama. IM NOT UP THERE SO LEAVE ME ALONE!

• Im starting to really wonder why do people like me....

1. If you continuosly put me down and doubt me.
2. If you think im not worthy of something.
3. If im such this bad person with this bad attitude. i seriously dont get it.

• Another thing, why do people act so childish & different towards me nowadays?

1. Seriously, get over it. because you and i both know that its nothing to be mad over.
2. Not accepting my apologies, when anyone who knows me, know that im bad at apologizing and when i say sorry i mean it from my heart. honestly.
3. Getting jelous of what? WHY are you jelous of another close friend i have. i mean sorry, but if im not that close with you then obviously they have a quality about them that i like better.

Well maybe some people dont see things the way i do, but its fine. But i AM a really sensitive person and i honestly dont like it when you pitty me. Its not cool and id rather you leave my life.

( people know who they are) gosh i needed to vent.

when.it.hurts.

When it hurts the most, is when i fear the less. When im not scared of anyone or anything is when i hurt the most. It hurts the most when u hear the people thats closest to you, put you down. And it makes me wonder. Why must i put up with this mess? Why must i bring myself so much STRESS. It makes a caution sign in my face because if i cross the limit, i might loose it. It makes me loose every amount of sleep I can get because everyone is on my mind. Or could it be a waste of time? If nobody else cares why should i? It doesnt help if i KEEP asking why. PEOPLE have hurt me to the point where i cannot be hurt anymore, i am a robot. PEOPLE have hurt me to the point, that i have shed some tears writing this sentence. PEOPLE have hurt me to the point, that at any givin time, i can change my mood because im thinking about people. PEOPLE have hurt me so much, that itw like a trend for them to keep doing it, and me being the nice girl, not saying anything. PEOPLE have hurt me so much that, yeah i did hurt myself before, so what? PEOPLE have hurt me to the point where i can list sooo many things about how people have hurt me. So ive been thinking alot, ive been questioning alot. But i think that now its time for me to stop. My life is ticking like a clock. never known when its gonna brake down and stop. or be like a ballon, get to full, then pop. So i have to slow it down. Make time for myself. Look deeper into myself. Because i am a human. And ive realized, that we ALL MAKE MISTAKES.

break up.

Why do people brake up? why must everytime something goes wrong in a relationship, people must blame there actions on the opposite sex? in a healthy relationship we must try on both sides not just one. Why when you love someone so much, in return all you get is hurt? & when your hurting, no one seems to care at all? Why when you have a boyfriend/girlfriend you try your best to make everything all right, and your always the one who gets screwed over? And why does everytime you brake you, you still have these extreme feelings for your ex when they find someone new. So i have a question, IS AN EX REALLY AN EX?

ATTENTION!

I MIGHT BE MOVING BACK TO VIRGINIA EVERYONE.....
TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.
KINDA UPSET, BUT ALSO HAPPY.
HEADACHE
CONFUSION!

I wouldnt be ALEXIS

I WALK THE WAY I DO BECAUSE,
- if I were to walk like you I wouldn't be considered an individual. I would have my head low and be scared of the world. If I didn't walk the way I do then I wouldn't be Alexis.

I TALK THE WAY I DO BECAUSE,
- if I were to talk like you I would be considered ignorant and selfish. I would say curse words in every sentence. If I didn't talk the way I do then I wouldn't be Alexis.

I CARRY MYSELF THE WAY I DO BECAUSE,
- if I were to carry myself like you ( no offense ) I would be a whore. I would be on top of every guy I see. If I didn't carry myself the way I do then I wouldn't be Alexis.

I ACT THE WAY I DO BECAUSE,
- if I were to act like you, I wouldn't be smart or considered a lady. I would run around like a maniac. If I didn't act the way I do, then I wouldn't be Alexis.

I WRITE THE WAY I DO BECAUSE,
- because without writing, I am nobody, I would have no way to express myself. I would be worthless I would be lonely without my notebook and pen. If I didn't write the way I do, then I wouldn't be Alexis.

Love

My lips are bleeding from kissing you goodbye every night. My eyes are scorned with hate, and my heart is screaming " no, no, no", i just wont let you go. And every time you give me a command, i listen, like a dog. My eardrums are popped from every time you screamed at me and i let it pass. And its shattering my conscience little by little, minute by minute, hour by hour. its tearing hear into millions of microscopic pieces that couldnt even be glued back together. Its a love i have for you, that could buy one of the richest men on earth then throw away the change. Its the kind of love that could soar so high that it passes outter space and i would never run out of breath. Its the kind of love that makes my heart skip a beat everytime some one says the first letter of your name. And it Makes me humble, and it makes me weak, and it might make me a fool. if it makes me a fool then how many fools are there in this world? If it maks me a fool then that means EVERY female who couldnt let go of love is a fool. Now i looked up the word fool and it means UNWISELY. Now could i be a fool and not love you? could i love you and still be wise? Your mind, body and soul has changed and its shredding my hands back into my pockets to where they cannot go about and touch you or find you. It has put a shade over my eyes so dark that i cannot see you anymore. It has burried me under so much clothes that my own family cant recognize me. Its time for me to get a makeover. I wipe my lips and everything that was ever red is now cherry chapstick. My scorned eyes are now hazel contacts, and my heart is pounding " yes, yes yes", now i can finally give you a rest. No longer will i have to second guess. No longer am i fool, i am now a godess. I am a godess to myself and all that matters. I am so fine i can walk with my head held high and OUR memories down low. I can speak with pride and when someone looks into my eyes they see happiness. I am a warrior who should have fought a long time ago, I am a swan gliding so softly over a pond, but most of all I am, i am. STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU. I fell out of love for you, but when i see your face, it makes me blind. I think its good because now i can let you go. Love dont cost a thing but heartache, and now its time to heal. PUMP, PUMP, PUMP, PUMP....my heart rate slows down, but i move faster. Slower and slower, i progress toward new things. IM FINALLY OVER YOU , my heart stops.